November 2006
Do I Have To Go?
Socializing Your Way Through The Holidays -- Together!
Fun, busy restaurants are filled with tables full of couples engaged in interesting conversations. New couples are getting to know each other; couples who already share lives together are finding out what they missed in the recent weeks with their loved one. They laugh, hold hands, ask questions, look into each other’s eyes, and listen intently. But every now and then you see one couple – you know – that couple who are sitting quietly across from each other and only paying attention to their food. Every now and then you notice that one partner makes an effort to engage the other one, but is met only with a silent nod or a brief smile. Although this couple may exchange an occasional comment, the rest of us can’t help but wondering. . . are they really enjoying their time together?
These are often the same couples where, at a party, one person is chatting easily with the hostess and other guests, laughing and genuinely enjoying themselves, while the other member of the couple is sitting quietly to one side or talking awkwardly to the same person all evening.
There are plenty of people who are easily outgoing or, even if it doesn’t come naturally, have strong enough social skills that they are wonderfully fun to have at a dinner table or gathering. There are also plenty of people who are so aren’t quite so. . . easy, if you will, to have around.
When couples have similar social skills (or expectations of social skills) it makes things very simple. There are no uncomfortably silent dinners (uncomfortable for the partner who is craving lively conversation) and no feelings of social dread about the next event (dread both for the partner who knows that they will feel pressured to socialize as well as for the partner who worries their loved one will be typically antisocial). But what happens to the couples who don’t fit so easily together when they are out in public?
The holidays are fast approaching. This year, wouldn’t you like to avoid the cries of, “My boyfriend is completely socially inept. At family functions, he plants himself in front of the television. He practically grunts when my family asks him questions! It is so embarrassing! What should I do?” and “My wife makes absolutely no effort to be friendly to friends and coworkers. Should I just leave her home from now on?”
Here are some tips on how to deal with a partner who is a little less than charming in social situations:
- Identify your expectations: What is it that you want or need from your partner to make you feel truly happy when you’re socializing together? Is it that you want your partner to feel engaged with you, or is it also important that they make an effort with friends and family? What would he/she be doing differently to meet your social expectations? It’s important to first know what you want in order to communicate it clearly to someone else.
- Determine how realistic these expectations are: Before you even reach the communication process, however, it’s important to give some thought to your expectations. If you married a shy person, it may be unrealistic to expect them to be the life of the party. However, if you want your partner to make an effort to talk to and get to know your coworkers and friends, this is certainly a realistic expectation. If you need your partner to absolutely adore your crazy sister and domineering mother and hang out with them for the entire holiday weekend, this may be unrealistic. But it would be realistic to expect your partner to limit their time in front of the TV at family gatherings and to actually spend some time conversing with your parents and siblings during the visit. If you can’t tell if the expectation is realistic or not, check it out with a friend, or reverse roles and ask yourself if your partner could reasonably expect this of you.
- Communicate the realistic expectations to your partner, using – you guessed it. . . “I” communication: Rather than putting your loved one on the defensive by angrily stating that, “You never make an effort with my friends,” try explaining what you would like and why it’s important to you. For example, “I really want my mom to know you better and I really would love it if you would spend some time talking with her during our visit.” Or, “I feel like my friends have made an effort to get to know you and it would mean a lot to me if you would make the same effort with them.”
- Set your partner up for success: Listen to what your partner has to say. If he/she finds your father overwhelmingly intimidating or feels awkward in large groups, the two of you will have to work together to find ways to socialize together so you both feel comfortable. If you can do so in a kind, casual way – and without sounding condescending – you can always try to provide suggestions about how to improve those social skills. Maybe it’s something as simple as encouraging your partner to make eye contact or ask open ended questions in order to show their interest in your friends and family members. If appropriate, share your observations about your partner’s social behavior in a kind, constructive way: “I notice that whenever my dad asks you a question, you give a one-word answer and the conversation just kind of shuts down. Maybe you could take more time to answer his question, and then follow up by asking him a question about himself” or “I notice that you avoid eye contact with my friend, so she just kind of gives up trying to talk to you. Would you feel comfortable making better eye contact with her so she feels more at ease?” While it may seem uncomfortable to raise the subject or give such suggestions, the enthusiastic reception people get when they improve their social skills often makes the momentary discomfort worth while – for both parties!
- The worst case scenario: If the above suggestions don’t get you anywhere, it may be necessary to accept that your partner is simply never going to be as comfortable socializing as you are (or is not willing to make the effort). Can you live with this? Do their other qualities make up for this area of weakness? If so, it may be best to give yourself and your partner permission to socialize alone. And when you are out together. . . you’re just going to have to learn to let it go!
Certainly many people describe themselves as “shy” or “introverted.” But those of us who are socially successful know that having an enjoyable time out isn’t just about our own enjoyment. It’s also about making sure our loved ones (and everyone else) are enjoying themselves, too.
And for those of you who are making a new effort toward socializing with style and grace – thank you! Thank you from your partner who will be looking forward more than ever to hitting the town with you; and thank you from all of us who may be sitting across from you at the holiday dinner next month.
With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff
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