November 2005

Saying Thank You For the Little Things

The first social grace we learn as children is to say “thank you.” Our parents, caregivers, teachers, even older siblings, would remind us of the appropriate response when another person was generous, caring or thoughtful, “Billy. . . what do you say to the nice woman who gave you the chocolate?” And when we got old enough to do kind things for other people we were pleased to hear our consideration acknowledged in return.

As adults we are thanked for the small kindnesses we show to others (holding a door open or letting a car pull out in front of us) just as we are thanked for our larger accomplishments at work, volunteering our time to help those less fortunate or when we offer support or care to a close friend. A “thank you” is so expected, in fact, that we are often outraged when we don’t receive one, “I just let that car in front of me and he didn’t even wave!” or “I can’t believe my boss didn’t say ‘thank you’ for my work on the project!”

Saying “thank you” is so important to us as a culture that we even have a national holiday dedicated to the sentiment. (Since it’s been many years since most of us were in grade school here’s a little reminder of the origin of Thanksgiving: In 1621, near the end of the Plymouth colony’s first year in America, the settlers gave thanks for a plentiful harvest. As the Native Americans were largely responsible for teaching the Pilgrims how to successfully use their land – and since a peace treaty had been negotiated – the Pilgrims and the Native Americans celebrated together.)

So how is it that we seem to say “thank you” everywhere. . . except at home? Any idea how many times the average couple says “thank you” to each other during a typical week? Zero!

While it’s easy to complain about all the things your partner didn’t do exactly right – or forgot to do at all – what about all those things that they did do? Finding reasons to say “thank you” in your relationship has a three-fold benefit: 1) it forces you to pay attention to the good things that your partner is doing, no matter how small, so that you are not only focused on the negative; 2) it will create more enthusiasm for your partner to continue doing those things that you like and will encourage them to find even more ways to please you (we all respond well to recognition and acknowledgement); and 3) it will make both of you smile since “thank yous” have a way of making the giver and the receiver feel delightful.

Here are some tips to get you started:

1. Find even the smallest things: Although we expect a “thank you” from a stranger for something as small as helping them pick up an item that they dropped, we seem to feel the need to say “thank you” to our loved ones only when they have moved a mountain for us. Remember that relationship success has little to do with moving mountains but a lot to do with the hundreds of tiny gestures that we make every week. Get in the habit of noticing that your partner has washed off the dirty dishes you left in the sink or mailed the letters that were sitting on your desk this morning. Those are the signs of true love. Notice them.
2. Look ‘em in the eye: Eye contact is an important part of delivering any message with power and a “thank you” is no exception. While there will certainly be times that you acknowledge your partner by phone, e-mail or while running out the door, make sure that you occasionally take time to deliver your “thank yous” with the connection of eye contact.
3. Really mean it: Because we say “thank you” so frequently when we’re with strangers, it often becomes an automatic response. Although we are encouraging you to say “thank you” at home, we are not suggesting that it will have any impact if you deliver this message on autopilot. Make sure that you say it with sincerity and, since this is your loved one and not a stranger, you may want to elaborate a little. For example, “I noticed you fixed the sink in the bathroom. That was really bothering me! Thank you so much for taking care of it.”
4. For nothing specific: We all do so many little things to nurture our relationships that it may not even be necessary to acknowledge one thing in particular. Sometimes it’s enough to say “thank you for being you and for loving me.”

We hope that all of you are able to set aside the stresses of daily life (and daily relationships) to find time to give thanks.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Talk Works Staff

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