October 2006

Halloween Ghouls, Goblins, Ghosts. . . and Women?
It’s Not Only Men Who Are Scary!

Some of our male readers have recently expressed that it’s their turn to gripe. They shared their exasperation that “the rules” are always delivered from the female perspective. While they are willing to assume responsibility for certain annoying gender traits (think dirty socks on the floor), they wanted to share their own rules with us.

Here you have the funny (but true) male “rules” as well as the Talk Works take on the truths behind the humor:

• Men are NOT mind readers. Yes, women do have a tendency to want their loved ones to simply “know” what they want or need. Unfortunately, there is often conflict involved when they inevitably feel let down or disappointed by their partners who don’t magically know what would make them happy. Want a big fuss made for your birthday? Let him know ahead of time. Wish that he would spend more time with you on the weekends? Tell him!
  
  
• Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about it. Women, pick your battles. This is a perfect example of letting a small issue became a significant conflict. Certainly you can ask for what you’d like. You can also let your partner know why something is important to you (for example, “Putting the toilet seat down is important so I don’t fall into it in the middle of the night when it’s pitch dark in the bathroom.”) But ultimately you can, in fact, work the toilet seat yourself, so be careful about whether you want this to become a source of relationship stress.
  Sunday sports - It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Spend time with your friends on Sunday. Enjoy the fact that you have different interests and are not glued at the hip. Alternatively you could always try to embrace his interests and learn to enjoy sports. . . but lunch and a massage with a friend every Sunday doesn’t really sound all that terrible, does it?
  
  
• Crying is blackmail. Tears are healthy, human and sometimes unstoppable. However, there are women out there (you know who you are!) who do, indeed, use tears as blackmail. If you are aware that there are tears involved every time the two of you have a disagreement, then he might just be right about calling them emotional blackmail. If you well up easily, then you might want to take a few minutes to do some deep breathing and calm down before you and your loved on discuss the issue at hand. Remember: tears are not a replacement for words!
  
  
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! Interesting that this request is on the list twice (see rule #1). While women in romance novels and Hollywood movies never have to tell the heroes what they want, our various forms of hinting at things don’t seem to be working. Try it his way for a while and see what the results are. Telling him what you want couldn't be worse than having him get it wrong again this Christmas. Set him up for success by clearly and directly communicating what he can do to make you happy.
  
  
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. Men are natural problem solvers. They want to make the women in their lives feel better and it’s hard for them to understand our desire just to sit with the feelings and talk, talk, talk about it. While you are certainly free to tell him exactly what you want (e.g. “I’m not ready to think about solving this yet, but I would love it if I could just have you listen to this problem and let me talk about it.”), he may be right – that’s what our friends are there for.
  
  
• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Absolutely! If you are avoiding sex, there are problems in your relationship that need to be addressed. It’s probably not a doctor you need to see, but a couples coach or therapist to help the two of you communicate openly and resolve some of the issues that you’ve clearly been avoiding.
  
  
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact. all comments become null and void after 7 days. We'll even take that a step further - if you want to have successful communication and work on resolving conflicts as they arise (rather then adding fuel to the fire) you will remember that everything that happened in the past is inadmissible! Even if it happened yesterday. Talk only about how you would like to see things happen differently in the future.
  
  
• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Let’s face it – this is a control issue. Women like their men to help with projects, but don’t like to give up control as to how we want it done! If you’re ready to delegate a task, then you are going to need a little faith that your loved one will be able to figure it out. If you have very specific ideas about how it needs to be done and aren’t ready to compromise, then you can hire someone who is being paid to follow your instructions. . . or you can always take his suggestion and do it yourself!

Well, guys – you’ve now had your turn to gripe. We’re not sure that women will ever stop complaining about football on Sundays, but hopefully they’ll pay attention to your wise observations and our sound advice!

With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff

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