September 2006

History of Relationships 101:
Baby, Look How Far We've Come!

Once again it's the “back to school” time of year. Which got us thinking about the subject of history. . . and, more specifically, the history of relationships. Our curiosity led us to the following article from May 13th, 1955 in Good Housekeeping Magazine, The Good Wife’s Guide:

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
  
  
• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh- looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
  
  
• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
  
  
• Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
  
  
• Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a life, too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you will immense personal satisfaction.
  
  
• Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
  
  
• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  
  
• Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
  
  
• Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  
  
• Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
  
  
• A good wife always knows her place.

While some of you men might be wishing that times had not changed quite so drastically, we’re fairly certain that most of you women are cheering our progress. But is it possible to find some nuggets of wisdom even in this outdated relationship advice? We think so. Here is The Good Partner’s Guide for the 21st century:

• Create a Comfortable Home: Help make your living space peaceful, tranquil, and cozy – a place that you both want to come home to. This doesn’t mean playing the martyr and making sure you do all of the cleaning and shopping just so you get to complain about it. It simply means taking responsibility for co-creating a very inviting home for you and your partner. Your home should be a place where you can renew yourselves, close out the rest of the world, and concentrate on each other.
  
  
• Listen to Each Other: While we had to laugh in horror at the assertion that “his topics of conversation are more important than yours,” we do agree that listening is one of the most valuable tools to ensuring a happy, successful relationship. We define listening as the act of attempting to understand what is being communicated, including the feelings of what is being shared (very different than hearing – which is the physiological act of taking in sound, without necessarily processing or comprehending it). Listening – without impatience or judgment – is one of the greatest gifts we can give.
  
  
• Give Great Greetings: As much as we are modern women, we certainly agree with the 1955 advice to “Greet him with a warm smile.” None of us like complaints or the delivery of unpleasant news under any circumstances, but being greeted with them is especially disheartening. There is certainly a time and place to voice concerns or upset (preferably this time is not during dinner and is not as you are crawling into bed, but instead when you are both mentally fresh, emotionally calm and have a good amount of time to devote to the conversation). . . but the first sight of your partner after a long day at work is not one of them. Instead, greet your loved one with your full attention and a warm welcome.
  
  
• Take Care of Your Partner: This doesn’t necessary mean having dinner waiting each night. Instead it means understanding your partner and his or her needs – whether that’s a long hot bath, a massage, a glass of wine, or a listening ear at the end of a stressful work week. Or maybe you know that he really enjoys 30 minutes of quiet time each morning with his cup of coffee, or that she loves fresh flowers in the bedroom. While we are not recommending that you always “make the evening his,” we are suggesting that taking care of your partner’s needs will help to create a mutually giving and nurturing relationship.
  
  
• Prepare Yourself: No, we don’t expect that most women are going to re-do their makeup or put a ribbon in their hair, but not taking each other for granted is just as important in 2006 as it was in 1955. And, yes, this includes occasionally trying to look nice for your loved one rather than unconsciously donning the stained, holey sweatpants the minute you get home! A little effort toward keeping that spark alive goes along way in a relationship.
  
  
• Develop your own interests (and encourage your partner to do the same): While shared activities and time together is essential for a blissful relationship, so is pursuing your own interests. This not only helps your individual well-being, sense of fulfillment and joie de vive, but also gives the two of you interesting new topics for lively conversations. So, while we certainly don’t believe that “one of your duties” is to provide a “lift” to your partner’s boring day, we do believe you have a responsibility to your self and to the health of your relationship to stay interested and fulfilled in your life!
  
  
• Know Your Place: One of the greatest gifts of the 21st century is that society doesn’t get to dictate what your place is – it’s now up to you! Is your place the CEO of a national company? The principal of a school? The full time mother of three growing children? The serial monogamist? The committed spouse or partner? Listen to your heart and you will know your place.
  

We have no doubt that the relationship experts of the 22nd century will one day use our tips as a history lesson. In the meantime, enjoy the freedom and flexibility of your modern life – and your modern relationship – while making sure that you don’t neglect old fashioned advice of consideration, class and caring.

With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff

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