September 2005

Back To School For Your Relationship

Labor Day is around the corner and it’s time for school, once again. The first few “back to school” weeks are always dedicated to reviewing material that has already been learned. . . the philosophy being that we can’t build new knowledge if we’ve lost the foundation.

Since education is not just for kids, we believe that everyone can benefit from a refresher course on the ABCs of how to have happy, successful relationships. So. . . welcome to:

Relationships 101 –

1. Use your words: That’s right! Adults need to be reminded of this, too. Expressing your anger or hurt by implementing the silent treatment, giving your partner dirty looks, or just “accidentally” forgetting to call when you are going to be home late are all forms of passive communication. But they are mean, hurtful and damaging to any relationship! Direct communication – i.e. using your words – is the best way to express your feelings so that others are willing to listen and the most successful means of resolving (rather than escalating) conflict.
2. Try, try again: None of us are perfect (gasp!), which means there will be times when we hurt each other, regardless of our best intentions. Research shows that the marker of a healthy, happy relationship is not the absence of hurt feelings and conflict, but rather the ability of the couple to successfully repair these kinds of problems and move on. So, when feelings are hurt, make things right again by offering or accepting an apology and by working together to find a solution to the problem that led to the hurt feelings. Above all – determine that you will try, try again to do things differently (and better) in the future.
3. Play nicely with others: It is easy for us to forget this simple rule when we are in the heat of an argument and have reached our frustration boiling point with a loved one. But it is precisely at these moments that playing nicely is so crucial for the health of our relationship. Playing nicely means banishing blame, criticism and contempt from your communication as these are extremely damaging to intimate connections. Instead, express anger, hurt and frustration by clearly stating your feelings and needs, reassuring your loved one that you want to resolve the issue at hand, and focusing on the solution rather than just on the problem.
4. Share: We are not just talking about sharing your milk and cookies (though this will surely benefit your relationship as well!), but your feelings, thoughts and needs. Intimacy is truly created and maintained by open communication.
5. Do your homework! What is the purpose of homework? To reinforce the lessons learned through actual practice. So, in order to practice the skills and knowledge that will make your relationship successful, here are some homework assignments to keep your intimacy skills sharp:

• Set aside a date night each week in which you simply enjoy each other’s company. This time will enable you to practice focusing on what you love about your partner, rather than getting overwhelmed by life’s struggles, relationship challenges, and every day stress.
• Talk each evening (or morning) for at least 15 minutes about the events of your day, your plans for tomorrow, and any other everyday news and events. Don’t allow for any interruptions; just focus on being present for your partner during the conversation. This assignment reinforces the importance of staying connected.
• Everyday make a point to praise, compliment, and express appreciation for your partner. This homework assignment will enable you to reach the 20:1 ratio of positive to negative sentiment that is so crucial to relationship satisfaction.

The biggest lesson we can all learn about relationships is that they don’t magically become or stay successful and happy. Instead, like anything worth having in life, they require a little work. With the right tools, some basic knowledge, and a bit of effort you will see your relationships flourish.

Sincerely,

The Talk Works Staff

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