August 2006

Till Debt Do Us Part
Don’t Let Money Become the Root of Evil
in Your Relationship

Although money has always been one of the biggest stressors in a relationship, it's an even more pressing issue today when there are so many options and challenges that face modern couples – dual income families, families where one person is home caring for the children while the other works full time, couples where one has a traditional 9 to 5 job while their partner is working to start his/her own business, or late marriages where one or both partners bring debt, to name just a few. And this is on top of the individual beliefs and values that we all bring into our adult relationships such as how we feel about spending, importance of savings, what kind of risk we are comfortable with when it comes to investing, or how much of a priority it is to plan for our retirement.

Forget having to figure out whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher! Money conversations are tough. So tough, in fact, that according to a USA Today/CNN Gallup Poll in March, 2006 nearly two-thirds of respondents said that they had talked “little or not at all” about their finances before the wedding! There’s nothing like finding out that your glowing new spouse is $80,000 in debt with student loans when you have worked for the past five years to be debt free.

The experts agree that, in our society, money is such a taboo subject that we are more comfortable discussing the most detailed aspects of our sex lives. So, what’s the impact on couples who are too scared or uncomfortable to address their money concerns with each other? A recent study by the Creighton University Center for Marriage and Family concluded that financial issues are the primary factor in 48.5% of all failed marriages in the United States.
Whether your money issues are related to conflict over too much spending and not enough saving, earning significantly more or less money than your partner, or the stress of financial debt, here are some tips for how to successfully navigate the money issues in your relationship:

1. Talk About It: Establish open and honest lines of communication about money – on a regular basis. Keeping secrets about money, including hiding your feelings about how finances are being handled in your relationship, can only lead to bigger problems. Money discussions need to happen regularly and at set times (for example, two Saturday mornings per month at 9am before the two of you go out for breakfast) – not while you’re trying to cook dinner and get the kids ready for bed when it suddenly occurs to you to ask your partner if they remembered to pay the bills.
2. Be True To Thyself: While you may compromise or negotiate on the route you take to achieve your money goals, staying true to your financial values is important. The first step, of course, involves identifying what those values, needs and expectations are. For instance, is it important that you save twenty percent of what you earn? That your spouse’s retirement plan will cover both of you? That you can spend whatever you make on yourself? That your partner will pay for exactly half of the rent and all other living expenses? Ask your partner to share his/her values and expectations with you, too. See where these overlap and where they come into conflict. Your bi-monthly Saturday morning money meetings are the perfect time to problem-solve the financial areas where the two of you have different needs and values.
3. Develop Shared Financial Goals: Regardless of what your individual financial plans are, any long-term relationship can benefit from taking a team approach to money. Work together as a couple to establish at least one short-term and one long- term shared financial goal. Perhaps your shared short term goal is to save $5,000 every year to use for a vacation, while your long-term goal is to have you both retired by the time you are fifty-five. Or maybe your short term goal is to have at least three months worth of living expenses saved, while your long term goal is to be financially secure at retirement without relying on Social Security. Maybe your short term goal is as simple as paying off your credit card debt in the next year, and your long term goal is staying out of debt. Once you have shared goals, you can use your financial discussion time to establish the steps necessary to reach them and ensure that you are both staying on-track.
4. Meet With a Financial Planner/Advisor: Sometimes an expert is needed to provide a little professional advice and even give a reality check, if it’s needed. When it comes to money, more information is always good information. And, let’s face it, most of us know very little about how to make our financial dreams come true. Get some help with this! Any first rate financial planner will also find ways to help you work together as a team and will alleviate a lot of the stress that commonly surrounds money.
5. There’s No Right Way: Don’t allow an article, a book, a friend or even an expert financial planner tell you and your loved one what you “have to” be doing about your finances. Just as relationships themselves are becoming less traditional and more creative, there are endless solutions to managing money – and to managing money conflicts! Just combine your values with solid knowledge, then communicate and work together as a team, and you will certainly find the magic recipe that works for financial management in your relationship.

Instead of complaining how broke you are and how much money your loved one spends on clothes or golf, work together toward your financial goals. And remember, like with any difficult conversation topic, you will need to keep all money discussions moving forward into the future (rather than focusing on problems that have occurred in the past) in order to resolve conflict and find successful solutions.

Once you feel in control of your finances and are working together as a team, you will find that money is really the root of your wonderful relationship!

With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff

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