August 2005
Live With Passion, Love with Passion
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid sideways – Champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming – WOO HOO – What a Ride!”Unknown
It takes both courage and optimism to live a life with a “WOO HOO – What a Ride” kind of passion. Courage because we have to challenge our fears each day so they don’t hold us back or trample our dreams. And optimism so that we can embrace each day, remain in awe of the wonders of life, shake off the inevitable defeats and disappointments without too many tears, and to laugh with abandon at every age.
It takes the same kind of courage and optimism to create a relationship with a “WOO HOO – What a Ride” kind of passion. It takes courage to be open and honest with our partner despite fears of vulnerability, just as it takes courage to love without putting up defenses to protect ourselves. And it takes optimism to believe – even during the tough times – that team work and nurturing the love will be enough to sustain the relationship. (In fact, John Gottman, Ph.D., the nation’s leading researcher on intimate relationships, has found that optimism is one of the key components of a successful long-term relationship. According to Dr. Gottman, the attitude with which we live our lives has so great an impact on relationship success that those who have a positive view of the world around them are over sixty percent more likely to create intimate, fulfilling relationships.)
But, of course, creating and sustaining a relationship of passion is not simple. Here are some tips to help you bring courage and optimism to your relationship so that you can create this “WOO HOO” kind of passion in your home:
- Say it don’t think it: Do any of these thoughts sound familiar - “I wish she wouldn’t chew with her mouth open. It’s disgusting.” “I can’t believe he went shopping again without asking me what I need at the store.” “She never calls when she’s going to be coming home late. What, does she think I don’t worry?” Although the specifics are irrelevant, what's important is that keeping such thoughts private is dangerous for the relationship. Over time, these thoughts build into strong anger and, rather than a brief discussion about one specific small issue, we tend to explode at our partner about all the thoughts we’ve been holding in. But it takes courage to say these thoughts out loud. . . for both parties! The key is to 1) establish ahead of time with your partner that you want the kind of relationship where you are free to be open with each other and 2) to make sure the delivery of your thoughts is supportive and kind (not aggressive and accusatory). For example, “I worry when you are late and in the future a quick phone call would help reassure me that you are safe. I need you to know that this kind of reassurance is very important to me.”
- Create fun: Sounds obvious? Absolutely. Yet too many couples complain of leading such busy lives that they don’t set aside time to have fun with each other. This means no kids, no cell phones, no TV – no “real world” intrusions. It is important that you and your partner don't move into the future only standing side by side in life – occasionally you must turn and look at each other. You must laugh together, celebrate together and revel in the craziness of your partnership. Watch out for those words, “We don’t have any time together right now. Our schedules are just too busy. I think next year will be better.” If you aren’t able to have Champagne and strawberries together while screaming “WOO HOO – I’m in Love!” right now, you might not have a partner to do that with by the time next year rolls around.
- Support your partner’s healthy risk taking: Taking risks means tackling our fears. Tackling our fears means that we gain self confidence and courage. Gaining self confidence and courage means that we are free to follow our dreams to live a life of passion. This might mean a week of white water rafting or rock climbing lessons for one person; while for another person it might mean starting their own business or going back to school much later in life. All of these are healthy risks – they keep us young, inspired, mentally and emotionally stimulated, and engaged and excited about life. Sure, there is always some uncertainty involved. But supporting healthy risk taking in yourself and your loved one means that you will both be free to live the life of your dreams – together!
- Experience your relationship fully: A woman once told me that she arrived home from work after her husband each day. She described that when she got home she would go to her room, drop her things off, lie down for a few minutes, change her clothes and then make herself something to eat. When asked whether she interacted with her husband she replied, “No. He’s always in the den watching TV. We usually don’t see each other until we’re ready to go to bed.” This couple would spend hours together at home each evening without so much as a “Hello.” They weren’t fighting or avoiding each other, they simply took each other and their time together for granted. Experiencing your relationship fully is the opposite of how this couple lives. It’s about making a conscious effort to remain connected, not only to each other, but to each moment as well. Remember, the “big moments” in life are few and far between. Unless you’re able to appreciate the small moments together, the “WOO HOO – What a Ride!” kind of passion will be hard to come by.
Summer is a wonderful time to begin to experience a “Champagne and strawberries” excitement for the world and your time in it. We encourage all of you to find courage, optimism, delight and enthusiasm for your life and your loved one. And we look forward to seeing all of you at the other end, skidding sideways (hand in hand) and screaming "WOO HOO – What a Ride!”
The Talk Works Staff
back to "Tip of the Month" main page |
