July 2006

Do You Still Love me?
Even Though I'm So Annoying!

Aaahhhh. . . summer. Those long, hot, slow days of new romance, passion and lust. Those days when the object of your affection is seen only through rose colored glasses. They snort while laughing and you deem it “endearing,” their less than stellar table manners are simply “unpretentious,” and their impatience only indicates that they are “Type A’s” and therefore likely to be very successful. Aaaahhhh. . .

If your relationship lasts through those early months, deeper feelings develop and lust, at some point, gives way to love. And, as the lust chemicals begin to subside those previously “endearing” traits can become, well, annoying!

So what’s to be done? Clinical psychologist, Alon Gratch, teaches us how to change our thinking about the inevitably irritating traits of our loved one so that we don’t feel as if our partner is going to drive us crazy!

The goal is to consciously do what came so naturally at the beginning of your relationship – find a way to appreciate the positive aspects of your partner’s personality and behaviors. We call it "reframing," and it can work wonders to shift your focus from the negative to the positive. Here are some examples:

• You’re annoyed because he doesn’t express his feelings. But -- he tends to be logical and calm, clearing the way for you to express your emotions. So -- he thinks about things you tell him instead of reacting based on his emotions, so you two can discuss your problems as a couple without drama.

• She’s irresponsible and forgetful, so you have to nag her to do things or remind her about plans. But – since she doesn’t get consumed with trivial concerns, she’s always fun and flexible. So – her easygoing attitude helps encourage you to chill and not sweat the small stuff.
  

• He doesn’t make a lot of money. But – he has other interests that make him more interesting, from music to sports. So – you’ll have opportunities to hang out and get closer. Plus, since he can’t lord his breadwinner status over you, you’ll have more equality as a couple.
  

• She’s a workaholic. But – she’s a go-getter who follows through and constantly strives for financial stability. So – because she’s busy with work, you have your space and won’t feel stifled.

By making a choice to continue to find your partner irresistible rather than irksome, you will be able to keep those passionate, romantic feelings alive in your relationship.

Happy Summer Loving!

With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff

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