June 2006
Forgive Me, Honey, For I Have Sinned
The fine art of forgiveness
Robert Quillen, a journalist and cartoonist from the early 20th century once said, “A happy marriage and all relationships is the union of two good forgivers.”
We couldn’t agree more. But forgiveness, like all of the highest forms of art, is not simple. Sure, we have all found ways to move past those small infractions that our loved ones make on a (somewhat) regular basis – forgetting to follow through with a promised chore, making a careless comment about how we look, breaking a small but meaningful promise. Faced with those relatively minor disappointments or moments of hurt, we have managed to speak up, laugh, shrug our shoulders, or take a few deep breaths in order to reach our moment of forgiveness.
What happens, though, when you are faced with having to forgive a loved one for a major hurt? This is when you will need to learn the seven steps to the art of forgiveness:
- Forgiveness is a choice: Do you want to move on with your life and your relationship? Really? Then forgiveness is a conscious choice you will need to make. This does not mean that you’re condoning hurtful behavior! What it does mean is that you are choosing to put the past in its place – and to focus on the present and the future instead.
Who are you hurting? It’s important to realize not forgiving someone hurts you more than anyone else! After all, you are the one with the knot in your stomach, the ache in your heart, the intense anger that burns when you fantasize about all the ways you can punish the person who caused the hurt. You are the one staying awake at night, preoccupied with your pain. Not forgiving is bad for you – emotionally, physically, spiritually.
- Express your feeling: You will have to fight the desire to “punish” your loved one by bringing up their hurtful action at every turn. Ultimately this will further damage the relationship. Instead, set specific time for conversations about the current problem. Also set a specific end time – 30 minutes is our recommended time frame for difficult discussions without a professional present. Explain very clearly what your view of the problem is and how you feel about it. Use “I” statements in order to focus on your feelings and experiences (i.e. “I feel incredibly hurt about being lied to,” “I feel scared that our trust has been damaged”), rather than pointing blame and attacking with “you” statements (i.e. “You are such a liar,” “You can’t be trusted”). As you move closer to forgiveness, these conversations will need to happen less frequently, but at the beginning – get ready! – they may need to happen weekly or even daily.
- It takes two: It may not be easy to look at your role in the problem if your loved one has lied, cheated or hurt you deeply, but it’s important! Did you ignore all the warning signs of your cheating partner? Were you afraid to discuss the distance you’ve felt for months in your relationship? Were you pushing your partner away because of your own fears or insecurities? Acknowledging your role will enable you to see that you’re not simply a helpless victim in the situation! While blame creates helplessness, taking responsibility empowers us because when we’re part of the problem we are also free to be part of the solution.
- Finding Empathy: Empathy is the identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings and motives. In other words, it’s the process of putting yourself into another person’s shoes. Although this can be a difficult process if the shoes belong to a loved one who has hurt you, forgiveness often begins with remembering that we’re all human. Empathy can help you see that your loved one is not universally “bad,” but is a good person who made a mistake. Remember. . . even the kindest, most loving person can make mistakes that hurt others.
- Explanations? Give ‘em up: Don’t make “knowing why” a prerequisite to forgiveness. Let’s face it: it’s likely that whatever explanation your loved one offers won’t be good enough anyway! Or, alternatively, the person who hurt you won’t even have a clear understanding or explanation for their choices or behavior. And there’s nothing more frustrating than watching a grownup behave like a six year old child with repeated, “I don’t knows” to all of your questions. If your partner is able to offer some insightful reasons as to why they did what they did – great! Consider this an extra bonus, but don’t tie explanations to forgiveness.
- Define your future: What do you want your relationship to look like, now and in the future? Once you’re clear about your vision, have a specific conversation with your partner about it. Share your needs, dreams and wishes in as much detail as possible – and be open to hearing the same from your loved one. Decide together if your desired relationship is possible and, if it is, discuss the specifics of how to make it happen. Finally, help each other change the pattern of continually looking to the past, and work together to remain focused on your future.
Countless couples have followed these steps (and have creatively found some of their own) to overcome great hurt and pain in their relationships. Often these couples who have had to overcome great hurdles find that they grow together to have an even stronger, healthier and more intimate relationship than they could ever have imagined. Whether you need these steps right now, or whether you file them away for the future, we hope you all become masters in the art of forgiveness.
With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff
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