June 2005

Celebrating Independence:
For America and For Your Relationship

On the 4th of July we traditionally celebrate American independence with fireworks. As the colors explode in the sky they are met with excited choruses of "oohs" and "aahhs."

In relationships there also can be "fireworks" when one party fights for independence. These kinds of fireworks, however, are not a celebration - and instead of "oohs" and "aahhs" the chorus is one of slammed doors and angry words.

"I don't think we have to do everything together" explained Margaret, "but he gets upset when I want to go out with my friends or even when I want to spend the day on my own. I didn't think that getting married meant that I had to give up my independence completely. . . am I wrong?" she asked.

We all have different expectations of "independence" and "togetherness" for our relationships. Do any of these complaints or concerns sound familiar. . .

• "I like to play poker with the guys one or two nights a week but my girlfriend wants to spend every night together. . ."
• "I have a trip every year that I take with my old high school friends but my husband says that he feels left out. . ."
• "I really like my alone time, but my partner doesn't seem to crave this and takes it personally when I want to be by myself. . ."
• "We have different interests and like to spend time with our own activities on the weekends, but then I get worried about our relationship when I see couples who do these kinds of things together. . ."

So what's the answer? The answer is that you and your loved one will have to figure out how much independence is necessary for each of you and what the best "togetherness" recipe is for your relationship. It will help to keep in mind the following tips:

Know Yourself - and Your Partner: It's important to get in touch with your own needs regarding space, intimacy, togetherness, and independence. It's also important to get to know your partners' needs in these areas. Gaining this knowledge about yourself and your loved one will enable you both to take a more neutral, objective approach when there is a request time apart - i.e. if your partner wants to spend an evening playing poker with his friends you will be able to understand his need for personal time so that his request doesn't feel like a rejection of you or of the relationship.

Request Reassurance: Ask for reassurance if you are feeling scared or insecure about your partner's request for time spent alone or with other people. Don't stew in your fears and worry. Instead, clearly say what you are feeling and ask for what you need to feel less insecure. This may mean asking that your partner call each night to check in with you while she's away with her friends for a "girls' weekend." Or it might mean asking your partner for more reassurance that your time spent together is just as enjoyable as his time spent with his old college roommates.

Be Inclusive: Share with each other your experiences of spending time alone or apart. Describe to your loved one your weekend away with your friends. Tell your partner about what you are learning during your weekly art class or monthly book club meetings. Use your time away from each other to enrich your relationship and broaden the topics you discuss with each other when you're together. Time apart can give you great inspiration - bring that back to your relationship and use this new material to reignite the chemistry and spark between you.

Banish "Right" and "Wrong": There is no such thing as "right" and "wrong" when it comes to independence. Every one of us has a different need for personal freedom, intimacy and sharing. Do a survey of your friends and family, asking them to describe how much time they spend alone and together with their significant other. This will show you the wide range of "normal" possibilities for relationships.

A little give and take may be necessary for you to find a comfortable balance between "independence" and "togetherness" in your relationship, but ultimately having interests, friends and areas that are your own can be very healthy.

As you watch the fireworks this weekend, remember not to bring them home with you. But make sure that while you cheer for American independence you remember to celebrate your own independence (and that of your partner) as well!

The Talk Works Staff

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