May 2006
MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
Don't Let Speaking Up Be the "Crash and Burn" of Your Relationship
Women – have you ever had thoughts like these? “I can’t believe he’s just sitting on the couch watching the game! I just talked to him two days ago about all the things in the house that need to be taken care of and how much it upsets me that he just sits around all weekend! I’m so mad. I’m going to say something. But. . . well. . . he got kind of annoyed when we talked before and I don’t want to get into a fight before we go out with all our friends tonight. You know what, forget it. I don’t want to be the nagging woman anyway. But I can’t believe he’s just sitting around again!”
Men – does this sound familiar? “Oh God! I can’t believe I just got roped into another family dinner. How can I possibly tell her that she is completely different around her parents? She’s going to freak out if I say anything, but I can’t stand another evening of her behaving like she’s an eight year old. Maybe if I just tell her I’m too tired. It’s Sunday evening anyway and I do have that early meeting tomorrow. But then she’s going to sulk and she’ll probably be mad. . . forget it. It’s easier just to go and I’ll tell her I need to leave early. I hate this.”
If you’ve ever had similar thoughts (and most of us have!), the question to ask yourself is: how many times per week do you stop yourself from speaking directly to your partner about a relationship issue? Once a week? A few times a week? A few times every day?
In many relationships “speaking up” about thoughts, feelings, needs, hopes and desires becomes almost forbidden. This is because, without the tools to talk openly and effectively to our partners, “speaking up” often gets met with defensiveness, resistance and anger. It makes the “speaking up” partner feel frustrated and hopeless and the listening partner feel undermined and attacked. But the real danger lurks when couples give in to their “just be quiet” voices and stop expressing their hopes and needs.
Since it is so important to keep speaking up, here are some tips to help those conversations go smoothly:
- Bring it up later: “In the moment” is almost never the best time to tackle an issue as we’re typically over- emotional and likely to lash out with hurtful words or mean behavior. Instead, just observe your feelings and take some time to think about the situation that has upset you. What is it you really want to say to your partner? How can you communicate your needs in a way that they will be able to hear and understand? Only once you feel calm and have your thoughts organized, will you be able to have a conversation that is really meaningful.
- Complaint vs. criticism: A complaint refers to a specific issue that needs to be negotiated and resolved. A criticism is an attack that is unsolvable and tends to be generalized. A complaint, for example, would be, “What you said last night hurt my feelings.” A criticism, on the other hand, might sound like, “You’re such an insensitive jerk. You always say things that hurt me.” Criticism is highly damaging to a relationship. Complaints, however, are all about speaking up, expressing your feelings, and allowing room for negotiation. So go ahead and verbalize your complaints, but avoid criticism at all costs!
- Explain the importance and the need: The more intimate we become with another person, the more we seem to replace actual communication with a kind of verbal shorthand. When you angrily explode, “You never listen to me!” what are you really trying to say? And what do you need from your partner to make things better? Are you lonely? If so, would you like more attention from your partner? If you can help your loved one understand your motivations and needs, you will not only have a greater sense of connection with each other, but you will have a partner who knows how to make things better for you in the future.
- Allow resistance: You are in a relationship with another adult, right? Are you really allowed to demand that they do things your way? Do they really have to listen to you? Are you really right, while they are wrong? (These are hypothetical questions, but if you actually answered “yes” to any of them than we suggest you start counting the days until you are single again.) Just because dirty dishes in the sink bother you, doesn’t mean that your loved one will feel the same way. All you can do is express your needs and work together to negotiate what will work for the two of you together. (And let’s be realistic – you may have to ask more than once. Be patient and ask nicely. Remember. . . you’re not perfect either!)
Even with these communication tips, however, speaking up often feels risky. So, here is one of our favorite relationship tools – it’s an exercise that you can choose to do on a daily, weekly or monthly basis and it takes only a few minutes. Set time to sit down with your partner.
- Partner #1 asks, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how did I do as a partner today (this week, this month)?”
- If partner #2 replies with anything less than a 10, partner #1 now asks, “What could I do differently tomorrow (next week, next month) to be a 10?”
- Now – here’s the big job for partner #1. . . ready? Partner #1 needs to sit still, listen, and simply say, “Thank you” when partner #2 has finished. That’s right! No response other than, “thank you!” No defensiveness. No right or wrong. No apologies. Just hear what your partner has to say about what you could do differently in the future to be a 10 for them.
- Now you trade places.
We hope May is a month of clear skies and minimal relationship turbulence for all of you.
With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff
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