April 2007
Spring Cleaning
Getting Rid of Your Relationship Cobwebs
Spring is here. A time for new growth, renewal, and. . . Spring Cleaning! And when we say spring cleaning, we don’t just mean your house – we mean for your relationship, too. No, you don’t get to put your partner in a box in the attic until next fall (although we certainly understand the temptation!). Instead, it’s time to take a look at your relationship and decide if there are some bad habits, unresolved issues, or harmful behaviors that need to be cleared away to make room for a renewed intimacy and joy in your connection.
Here are the top 5 signs that your relationship is ready for some spring cleaning and tips on how to get those areas back into tip-top shape:
- You repeatedly fight or argue about the same issues, with no resolution. You have most likely heard us say before that it’s not conflict in a relationship that’s harmful – it’s arguing about the same topics over and over without resolution that wears us down. Not being able to find successful solutions to your problems is a sign that how you’re communicating about the issue just isn’t working (and might even be making the problem worse). It’s time to discuss the issue when you’re not angry about it. That’s right – schedule a discussion time abut this (and only this) topic. Talk only about solutions without going into the past conflicts. Be creative about your solutions and pick one to try for two weeks – something completely different than what you’ve attempted in the past. Set time for another discussion in two weeks to see how well the new plan has worked. It may take three or four tries, but with a little “out of the box” creative thinking you will be able to find a resolution that is successful for both of you.
- You find yourself avoiding your partner, or feel that he/she is avoiding you. In an intimate relationship, the avoidance of conflict is more of a problem than fighting. It’s a signal that one or both of you have withdrawn and disconnected from the other. The first step is simple – take action! Reach out to your partner, don’t wait for them to come to you! Since intimacy is really in the little details of life (not the big romantic gestures), leave love notes, plan breakfast in bed, take a walk together. And then talk about the avoidance. It’s time for you to ask each other some important questions about how you’re doing individually, and with the relationship. You’ll need to be determined that you will listen to each other with support, not anger, and will work toward the future as a team, rather than two individuals.
- You find yourself blaming your partner for problems in the relationship. Are you finding that your thoughts are often turning to what your partner is doing wrong in the relationship? Are you feeling angry and resentful? Are you sharing these thoughts out loud with your partner? Yikes! Part of your spring cleaning homework is to remember what relationship expert, John Gottman tells us about criticism – that it’s one of the four horseman of the apocalypse. In other words, your blame, critical thoughts and critical comments are pulling your relationship to its death! There are two tasks for you here – the first is to start putting your energy and attention toward all the wonderful things that your partner is and does. That’s right, show a little appreciation rather than annoyance. Enjoy the great things about your loved one and choose to focus less on the areas that you don’t like as well. Your second task is to remind yourself that, while you can’t control someone else’s behavior, you can control your own. Rather than blaming someone else for the problems, it’s time for you to take responsibility for finding your own solutions.
- You can’t remember the last time you said or heard, “I’m sorry.” This is still the most underused phrase in the English language. For some reason, most of us choose to get angry at other people first, and take responsibility for our part in things last. Worse still, why is it that when someone tries to hold us accountable for our actions our response so often is to try and defend our position? Even when we can see that we’ve hurt or upset another person? At the very least – and even if we ultimately disagree about the events or situation – don’t we owe someone an apology if we’ve hurt or upset them? A simple “I’m sorry” can be the starting point for a discussion that isn’t based on anger, but on resolution. A sincere “I’m sorry” can even be the conclusion for an entire conflict, healing wounds and ending tension almost immediately. If you only try one new thing this spring, let it be the use of “I’m sorry.”
It’s not easy to get the whole house cleaned and all those boxes of winter sweaters packed away – but so worth it when you’re finished, right? Changing some of your relationship patterns won’t be easy either, but you will be amazed at how light and fresh it will feel once some of the cobwebs are cleared. Spring is for lovers. Enjoy it!
With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff
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