April 2006

New Beginnings:
Dating Success Is Just Around The Corner

Spring is officially here. . . and with it new beginnings. Therefore, we dedicate our April tip to those of you who are looking to begin a new romance. For those of you already in a relationship, your task for the month is to pass this tip along to all your single friends. . . it's just the information they may need to spring into a happy new relationship.

It Starts with your Attitude! Yes, it’s true that without the right attitude about dating, all those communication tools we are always harping on have little value! We know it’s not always easy to stay positive when you haven’t had a good date in weeks and have been doing this dating thing for months (or years!). So, here are three useful strategies to get you off to the right start:

• A Question of When: Remind yourself that it’s not a matter of whether you will meet someone special, it is a matter of when. It’s important to hold onto this belief and to carry it with you through each dating experience as well as through your periods of “down time” from dating.
• Keep an Open Mind: Deciding that you will only date doctors, curvy blondes, or men who are at least six feet tall will not only limit the number of wonderful people you meet and could potentially really connect with, but also sets you up for frustration and disappointment when you are faced with a relatively small dating pool. Attraction can be very mysterious and doesn’t easily fit into a formula. Each of us can be attracted to a wide range of people with different looks, personalities and characteristics. . . if we're willing to stay open!
• Don’t Over-Personalize: It can be hard, we know, but it’s important to try not to interpret another’s lack of romantic interest in you as a sign that you are not desirable, worthy of love or attention, or capable of finding a compatible partner. Just because the guy or gal you went out with last week decided not to call you again, it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you! Haven’t there been times when you didn’t feel a “spark” with someone who was attractive, interesting, desirable, and would be a perfect match for your roommate? The bottom line? It’s not always about you!

Communicate your Way to Dating--and Ultimately—Relationship Success! Now that your attitude is in check, it is time to charm your date’s socks off with your stunning communication skills. After all, what is sexier than a witty, engaged, articulate individual who puts you immediately at ease?

• Get Curious: Be genuinely curious about the person sitting across from you. Ask questions, especially open-ended questions (but try to avoid “why” questions as these can make the recipient feel defensive or judged). In the beginning – the first, second and third dates – allow your questions to get a little personal, for example, “How did you decide to become a teacher?” While more intimate questions like, “So, why are you still single?” or “Why did your last relationship end?” are best saved for later.
• Make Eye Contact: Yes, this is common sense, but do you know why every relationship expert, communication trainer, and man or woman off the street recommends this? Because research shows that looking into another’s eyes actually increases feelings of intimacy and warmth.
• Slow Down: When it comes to revealing your deepest, darkest secrets and biggest vulnerabilities it is better to save this information for AFTER you and your date have somewhat of a personal foundation. Our recommendation. . . think of the first few dates as more of a screening process to determine if you want to keep getting to know this person. Sharing the most intimate parts of yourself is more appropriate for the relationship phase of dating – i.e. the point at which you both have determined that you want to move forward into some kind of relationship together. It is at this stage of connection that you will begin creating intimacy and revealing more of yourselves to each other.
• Stay in the Present Moment: We know it is often unavoidable to begin fantasizing about the future with this wonderful, attractive, funny, smart, kind person you have just met. While to a certain extent this type of imagining is natural, it is important to keep your communication more focused on the present, or at least the very immediate future (a discussion about your next date, for example, rather than a discussion about your honeymoon!).
• Be Honest: At the end of a meeting, let the other person know if you would like to see them again and allow them the opportunity to express what they want. For example, “I really enjoyed tonight and would like to get together again in the next week if you’re interested” or “Would you like to have dinner some time next week?” It can be harder if your date was not a match. In this case, it is important not to give false hope with a promise to “get together again” or that you will “call sometime.” Instead, simply say something like, “It was nice to meet you. Take care.” And you can always follow up the next day with a call to say that, even though it didn’t seem to be a romantic match, thank you for the nice evening. No one wants to wait by the phone, so you can eliminate days of anxiety for the other person by having the confidence to be honest about your feelings, intentions and desire for future contact.

We hope that Spring brings you (or your friends or family members) wonderful new beginnings!

With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff

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