April 2005

April Showers
Taking Control of the Rain

This past winter, on the West Coast at least, has been a perfect example of "when it rains, it pours."

This is often true in life as well. Have you ever noticed that when problems start to occur at work it's exactly the same time that things at home start to fall apart? And then the car needs to be repaired. . . and you get a call from the principal's office about your son. . . and your best friend tells you he's getting a divorce and needs to move in with you for a few weeks. What is it about those first few drops of rain that seems to create the downpour?

Certain events, of course, are beyond our control. Sometimes things just happen to go wrong all at once (just like things also happen to go right all at once, too). Whether you believe in God or angels or fate, from time to time we have to acknowledge that some things are out of our hands.

But! Part of the downpour is well within your control. How we respond to situations is make or break when times get tough - and how you cope and communicate through these life drama downpours will often determine whether the rain continues.

Here's what it looks like when those April showers turn into a downpour:

• You're at work. It's Friday afternoon, the end of a long week. Your boss finally calls you into his office to tell you that you didn't get the promotion because management has not been entirely happy with your performance.
• You return to your office to finish up before the weekend. You're furious, embarrassed, and confused. The thoughts racing through your head sound like, "I hate it here," "I'm leaving this job," "no one realizes the amount of work I do around here," "we really needed the extra money. . . how am I going to explain this to my family."
• You arrive home physically and emotionally drained. Your partner gives you a quick kiss hello before sharing the news that, even though it was his/her turn to take care of dinner they were too tired to do this.
• You explode and begin yelling at your partner about what a horrible day you've had and how insensitive they are. Your partner attacks back by accusing you of being irritable and unresponsive all week.
• You and your partner spend the whole weekend angry and your partner does not join you and your son for the scheduled Saturday outing as planned.
• Having listened to your arguments all weekend, your son goes to school on Monday morning and gets into a fight with a classmate. The principal asks you to come in to discuss his disruptive behavior.
• When your friend calls to tell you about his divorce and to ask if he can come and stay with you, you immediately launch into a tirade about how bad things are for you at home and at work and suggest he stay at a hotel instead. You don't hear from him for the next month.

We all face times when life becomes challenging, but learning to tackle these times with awareness, grace and fearless communication enables you to find the sun rather than continue living in the shadows of the clouds.

Here's how:

1. The power of thought: Our thoughts control our emotions and our emotions control our behavior. It's as simple as that. In times of crisis it's easy to allow our thoughts to become fear based and jump to the worst case scenario, for example: thinking that you won't be able to support your family without the promotion. Not only are our fears unfounded, more often than not, but these kinds of thoughts engage your emotions and disable your rational mind. Instead, take a couple of deep breaths and remind yourself that you're OK. There are a lot of positive thoughts you can use to replace these negative ones, for example, "I remember last time I felt like this the feeling passed quickly and none of my fears came true" "something good may come out of this, I just can't see what it is yet" "I know I'll figure something out. I always have options."
2. Communicate directly: If you're feeling angry, upset or sad simply say it. Let your co- worker or spouse know that you having a tough time even if you're not ready to tell them why. This will keep you from acting out your feelings such as yelling at your partner, ignoring your child, or snapping at a colleague.
3. Ask for what you need: Some of us like to talk about our feelings immediately, others need space before they are ready to share. Other people, even our closest friends and family, can't read our minds. Let people know what you need from them to help you feel better.
4. Be aware: Know that you may be overly sensitive and reactive during this time. Simple requests can feel like big demands and innocent jokes can seem like big attacks. First, stop yourself before automatically reacting to (and likely misinterpreting) others by reminding yourself that the people in your world care about you and are not trying to make you feel sad or upset. Second, gently inform family and co-workers who seem to be pushing your buttons that you are feeling extra sensitive.
5. Take care of yourself: When the rains begin we inevitably feel vulnerable. Pay attention to your feelings. This will likely not be a good time to take on extra responsibility at work or make major life decisions. It is, however, a good time to get extra sleep, have a massage, and pamper yourself. Your emotional distress is guaranteed to make you tired, don't overdo it!

By using these tips you will have control over whether April is a month of light showers or January downpours.

The Talk Works Staff

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