March 2007
Leprechaun Lessons
Separating fact from fiction in your relationships
So many aspects of our lives are part fact, part fiction. Fact: St. Patrick’s Day, March 17th, recognizes a man who spent six years of slavery in Ireland until he escaped and undertook religious training abroad. He was later granted the title of St. Patrick, patron saint of Ireland. Fiction: St. Patrick’s Day is also associated with Leprechauns, little fairies living in Ireland who can tell you where pots of gold are hidden (but you have to catch one first).
Relationships are no different – sometimes the information we hear about healthy, successful relationships is fact. . . and sometimes it’s just plain fiction. But while there’s no harm in believing in Leprechauns and their pots of gold, there is harm in confusing fantasy from reality in your personal life! So, rather than letting love depend on the luck of the Irish, here are some tips to help:
- Fiction: If our relationship is really strong we will never fight.
Fact: The strongest, most healthy couples don’t shy away from conflicts. Relationships with no conflict or disagreement often indicate that the couple is disconnected, not communicating openly, and is sweeping issues or problems under the rug rather than dealing with them. The marker of a successful relationship is not the absence of conflict; instead it’s how well couples manage and resolve it. Conflict is healthy. . . as long as your communication is respectful and you focus primarily on finding solutions to the problem.
- Fiction: You should never laugh when having a relationship discussion or fight. Your loved one will think you’re not taking things seriously.
Fact: Laughter really is the best medicine. As long as you’re laughing with your partner, not at them (and of course not to belittle them or put them down!) there are few tools that will release tension as quickly and get you both re-focused on future solutions rather than past problems. And, really – isn’t there usually plenty to laugh about when most relationship disagreements are about such silly things? Successful couples have access to their sense of humor at all times, even (maybe especially) in the midst of those “serious” relationship moments.
- Fiction: I don’t need to say “I’m sorry.” Once a fight is done, it’s done. My partner knows I love them.
Fact: Emotional repair from a fight or argument is crucial to resolving the conflict and recreating intimacy. Apologizing is a way to take your share of responsibility for the conflict, which is an essential component to being a good partner. Need more convincing that apologizing is necessary in intimate relationships? Research on healthy, long lasting relationships finds that the most successful and happy couples are highly skilled at relationship repair.
- Fiction: My attitude about other things doesn’t affect my relationship. Even if I’m unhappy elsewhere, I can keep the different parts of my life separate.
Fact: When professionals assess a relationship, one of the first aspects they notice is whether the individuals in the couple have positive (or negative) attitudes about their own lives and the world around them. Who you are in life is who you are in your relationship. Frequently disappointed, frustrated, angry and dissatisfied at the office? Watch out! These feelings are following you home. But even the most positive of us can go through a rough patch from time to time, so what can be done about those negative feelings? A lot! It’s your thoughts that control your feelings, so if the world seems like a terrible place right now, concentrate on changing your thoughts.
As much as you probably can’t count on being led to the pot of gold this St. Patrick’s Day by a friendly little Leprechaun, you can count on having a relationship that thrives – as long as you are willing base your expectations on truth rather than fairy tales.
With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff
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