March 2006

Spring Is. . .
A Time for Lovers, Not Fighters

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE!), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

10 points for the wife, right? Except that in real life when couples create a “war zone” in their relationship there are no winners. Have you ever had the experience that talking to your partner about a relationship issue feels like trying to “win” an argument? Have you ever felt that your partner seemed to be trying to “prove you wrong” during a discussion? Have you ever sounded as if you were on the “attack” or on the “defensive” when talking to your loved one?

If your answer was “yes,” you’re not alone. Many couples complain of feeling like they have to wage war to resolve even a simple relationship issue. Unfortunately, couples who believe that the goal of a discussion is “victory” commonly lose – their loved one!
Here are some tips to have discussions (even arguments) with your loved one so that you make progress toward a resolution:

• Listen to understand, not to reply: Both parties in a discussion are frequently so eager to be heard and understood that neither one is bothering to listen and understand. And then tempers flare. When it’s your turn to listen, do not focus on what you are going to say next (i.e. in response to what your loved one is saying), instead just allow them to have the floor and do your best to really listen and digest the information
  
• Look forward, not backward: When couples have disagreements they often tend to want to “prove” their position by referring to other incidents that have happened in the past. First of all, it’s very likely that your loved one has a different memory of those shared events (based on their point of view) and secondly, “making a case” against your loved on is part of the “victory” thinking where you hope to convince them that they are in the wrong. Instead talk about the present and how you would like to see things handled in the future.
  
• Take responsibility: Be the first to step up to the plate and assume responsibility for your actions. We all make mistakes. . . and we all have our less than desirable traits. Hearing someone else, especially someone we love, bring those to our attention is not easy. Even harder is the ability to say, “You’re right. I’m going to try and work on that.” But having the courage and strength to take responsibility for your actions means that you are willing to accept that you are both part of the problem as well as part of the solution.
  
• Avoid blame: We’ve all been there. You know, those “discussions” where it takes every ounce of strength not to yell, “If only you wouldn’t do that anymore we wouldn’t have this problem!” The difficulty with blame is that it’s usually only 50% of the truth (it’s rare that a conflict is really all due to one person) – and it never helps couples resolve an issue. Instead, the blamed party typically feels isolated, angry, attacked and, therefore, defensive.
  
• Remember that your way is not the only way: If it always has to be your way then you’re better off sharing your home with a dog, rather than another human being. Here at Talk Works we believe that there is no such thing as “right/wrong,” or “good/bad” (unless you and your partner happen to be discussing mathematical formulas). Try not to put down, negate or belittle an idea, a feeling, a suggestion, or an expression of need. Instead, appreciate your differences and understand that, even if you don’t always “get” each other, you can certainly come up with more unique and creative solutions when working together.

Conflict can make couples feel as if they’re on opposing sides of a battle, rather than united against the rest of the world. If you can remove the idea of “victory” from your vocabulary (at least at home), then you and your partner can make “progress” the focus of your relationship discussions. By working together on the relationship with the belief that fault is irrelevant and solutions are what it’s about, you and your partner will be able to be lovers together this spring.

With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff

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