February 2005

It's Groundhog Day!
Don't Hide From Your Shadow

February 2nd is Groundhog Day and we're sure that all of you are beside yourselves with excitement. So are we. But having given some thought to Groundhog Day, we've realized that groundhogs and humans can be very similar in the way that they manage resistance - be it bad weather or bad news.

To remind all of you of this important holiday: it is the day that the groundhog comes out of his hole after a long winter's sleep to predict the coming of spring. If he does not see his shadow, this is read as a sign of early spring and the groundhog stays above ground. However, if he does see his shadow, he determines that there is more bad weather on the way and returns to his hole to hide.

Now we humans have a similar inclination to run and hide when faced with the cold harsh wind of resistance. Imagine that you are in a new relationship and you are ready to make a commitment to exclusivity. You work up the courage to have this conversation with your partner only to be told that she or he is not ready for this next step. Like the groundhog seeing his shadow, most of us respond to hearing a "no" by deciding it's still winter and crawling back into our hole.

Not being groundhog experts, we have to assume that it is normal and healthy for the groundhog to go back to sleep at the first sign that he will not have the early spring he has hoped for. We are, however, experts on people and relationships so we're here to tell you that resistance is part of all relationships and it's not in your best interest to give up as easily as the groundhog. On average it takes people ten times of hearing a new idea, request, or suggestion before they are ready to adopt a new way of thinking. Successful sales people understand this concept well. While the majority of sales people give up after hearing "no" once or twice, the smartest ones know that 60% of all sales are made after the 4th contact with the potential client or customer. This means that in all your relationships you need to prepare to be gently, patiently persistent when introducing your goals, needs, and desires.

Here are 5 tips for working with resistance:

1. Expect resistance. Now that you know that resistance is part of human nature, you will be less discouraged when you hear a "no" or a "yes, but" from someone telling you that they are not ready to embrace your idea or desire.
2. Go with, not against resistance. We all have areas in which we are less open to hearing new ideas. It is important to allow your partner/friend/parent/child/colleague the space to say "no" or disagree with you. Don't push harder for your idea. Instead, be respectful of their resistance, with a simple statement such as, "I can understand how you are not ready to move in this direction yet" or "I really hear your concerns."
3. Get curious, ask questions. As in all conversations where there are two ore more differing opinions, the most successful road to a solution is to ask questions. Until you understand what is underneath the other person's resistance, you will never be able to find a resolution that is comfortable for both of you. The most successful questions are not intended to convince or manipulate, but come from a place of genuine curiosity and exploration.
4. Partial sell. Maybe your partner is not yet ready for exclusivity, but does feel ready to meet your family and friends. If you are able to stop yourself from running back into your hole at the first sign of resistance, you will be able to have a conversation that may get you closer to your goal, even if it doesn't get you all the way there.
5. Leave the door open. Remember - if it takes the average person ten times to hear a new idea before they are ready to adopt it, you want to make sure to leave the door open to revisit a conversation more than once. This may sound something like, "I understand you are not ready to make a commitment to this relationship right now. Maybe next month after you've met my family, we can talk about this again."

It's important to be prepared for the reality that understanding resistance doesn't mean that you will always get your way. Children are uncomfortable hearing the word "no" and so are grown ups! But having the courage to ask for what we want means also having the courage not to get it. There will be plenty of times, even when skillfully applying these tips, that you will come to the conclusion that the other person will not agree to your idea/dream/goal/desire. Knowing when to accept the "no" is important so you do not damage your relationships. If you have persistently and patiently used these tips and you are not making headway, it may be time to walk away. . . or to reformulate your idea/dream/goal/desire in a way that is more comfortable for the other person. But more often than not, understanding resistance and the process of working with it will help you realize your dreams.

Whether 2005 is a year in which the groundhog predicts an early spring or returns underground to wait out a long winter, we hope it's a year that you don't run from the shadow of resistance but have the courage to persist with conversations that are important to you.

The Talk Works Staff

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