January 2007
The Year of the Pig?
Welcome to 2007
According to the Chinese calendar, 2007 is the year of the Pig. Would you be surprised to hear that within Chinese tradition, Pigs symbolize patience and understanding? People born under the sign of the Pig are born givers who focus on the happiness and comfort of others. Their giving and compassionate nature makes them skilled in the art of relationships. The year of the Pig brings thoughtfulness, caring and simplicity to the forefront.
2007 is about keeping things simple, going back to basics. For those of us here at Talk Works, we couldn’t be more excited to hear that the greater forces of the universe are helping us in our work of encouraging people not to make life and relationships more complicated than they need to be! We are all about keeping it simple. . . reminding ourselves that it’s laughing with friends, sleeping late, and the stolen date night with your loved one of many years that keep us grounded and content.
So, in keeping with the Year of the Pig, we’re going to help you start your New Year with reminders of the most important basics to keep you fulfilled in your relationships.
But first we have an exciting announcement to make! Yes, thanks to our wonderful clients and supporters who continue to spread the word about our unique and fabulous services, Talk Works has more than doubled its staff in 2006 and we have expanded our services. While we continue to specialize in working with couples, we are now also offering coaching, counseling and communication training for individuals and have three new office locations throughout Los Angeles and Long Beach. And, after countless requests to find a way to offer our services to those of you who are not located in Southern California, we will now be providing all our services by phone.
Fear not, avid “Tip of the Month” readers – even though our services have expanded, our monthly tips will continue to focus primarily on relationships, though we may throw in some ideas for “personal” success and satisfaction every now and then!
Ready, then for those tips to help you behave like a Pig this year? Here they are:
- Kindness: This is perhaps the most simple and under rated component of healthy, happy relationships – and therefore one of the easiest to take for granted! Instead of assuming that just being in a relationship implies that you love and appreciate your partner, show them your through your kindness. (No, it is not enough to just “show up” for your relationship! Yes, you do have to continue to work at it.)
One of our favorite and most basic definitions of kindness is the willingness to do good or give pleasure. Start the New Year off right by taking some time to think about what would be good for your loved one and bring them pleasure. Or, even better, ask your partner what would make them smile.
The best news about acts of kindness is that it is as beneficial for the giver as it is for the receiver (and the relationship). Research shows that focusing on giving to others is an instant mood elevator (yes, for the kindness giver as well as the recipient!) and a key component to an overall feeling of well-being and life satisfaction. So, even if it’s as simple as a “thank you” or an “I think you look great today,” the receiver, you and your relationship will all be able to bask in the warmth.
- Patience: This one isn’t always easy, but can be oh so powerful! For many of us, patience isn’t something we were born with, but is a skill that must be learned and constantly practiced. Patience involves calmly awaiting an action or result, without annoyance, irritability or pressure to make the change occur more quickly.
Remember that change takes time, any kind of change – from changing the way the two of you argue with each other, to changing your spouse’s tendency to throw dirty clothes on the floor, to changing your habit of forgetting your anniversary each year. Understanding the nature of change – that it typically happens little by little and with lots of repetition – will prevent you from becoming easily frustrated when your desired outcome doesn’t happen immediately.
Identify your feelings. Are you frustrated because you believe your partner is purposely NOT changing? Are you irritable because you had expected that asking for something once or twice would result in the new behavior? Are you angry because you believe that your partner is not capable of making this change, and then this leaves you feeling hopeless about your relationship ever improving?
Now. . . talk. Yes, to your partner. You may find that the underlying belief leading to your frustration and anger is not all that realistic, or is just blatantly wrong. Miscommunication, misunderstanding and simple lack of communication, believe it or not, are most often at the root of relationship conflict. Make sure your discussion is not only focused on sharing your thoughts and feelings, but are also (and most importantly) aimed at finding solutions. There is nothing more frustrating (to both of you!) than having the same argument or discussion over and over again with no change or progress. Ultimately, though, having patience with your loved one demands that you acknowledge that the things that are sooooo important to you (putting a new roll of toilet paper back on the holder when the old one is finished or taking off muddy shoes before you come into the house) are just not as important to your partner. Loving reminders and creative solutions are going to be important steps to your goal of zen-like patience.
- Understanding: This is so basic that it’s worth the reminder: truly understanding your partner will not only help you sustain intimacy, but will also enable you to diffuse and resolve even the most challenging conflicts. Because understanding another is at the heart of loving another. This is not new wisdom. On the contrary, ancient teachings from Christianity to Buddhism have explained how when we deeply understand someone, even someone who has hurt or angered us, we cannot help but love them. Make it a point to understand who your partner is. Most importantly, know that this is an ongoing process and not just for the beginning of your relationship! Being interested in and knowing your partner requires only a couple of simple actions.
The first is. . .
Observation. It is amazing how much you can learn about someone by just observing them. Notice how your partner responds in times of crisis, when overwhelmed, sad, stressed, or angry. Notice how she or he responds to you during conflicts, periods of stress, as well as when times are good. How does your way of interacting with your partner impact her or his responsiveness, openness and willingness to engage with you? Take notice!
The second is. . .
Asking Questions: In the ancient tea ceremony in China, each day the woman asks her husband how he would like his tea. Even after they have been married for twenty or thirty years. The reason that this question is asked every day is based on the expectation that humans grow and change. Just because your loved one was passionate about rock climbing ten years ago when you first met, doesn’t mean that this is still true. Your partner was stressed about a possible promotion six months ago? How do they feel about it now? Throughout your relationship, questions play an important part in understanding who your partner is – today!
Finally. . .
In order to have understanding, you must banish judgment. Judgment has no place in your relationship! If you are judging your partner’s feelings, thoughts, actions or reactions as “bad” or “wrong” or even just inferior to yours, then you are clearly not practicing understanding. Know that you do not have to agree with or even share your partner’s experiences, beliefs or feelings. But you do need to allow them the freedom to be themselves – even if you disagree (disagreement, by the way, is a normal, healthy part of any relationship while judgment is a recipe for disaster). Next time you find yourself judging your partner, take a step back, ask enough questions to gain some understanding and remember to give them the freedom to be who they are.
Is it really possible that kindness, patience and understanding could be the secret ingredients to a happy, healthy and lasting relationship? Too simple, right? The answer is, that the Pigs – with their patience, understanding and compassion – do, indeed, have the uncomplicated but magic love recipe. And, from all of us here at Talk Works, we hope that 2007 brings wonderful magic to your relationships!
With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff
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