January 2006

Welcome to 2006!
Thinking your way to a fabulous year

Happy New Year! Does everyone have their New Year’s Resolutions ready? You know, that list of promises about what you want to do differently this year that you will break within the next two weeks?

While we wish you the best of luck on your Resolutions list, we are going to suggest one very simple, easily achievable goal for 2006 that will create immediate and remarkably wonderful change in your relationship: focus on the positive.

Human beings have approximately 60,000 thoughts per day. About 85% of those are negative thoughts! First of all this isn’t healthy for you. It inevitably clouds how you feel about yourself and the world around you. But it also, inevitably, impacts your relationships. If you’re not careful then more than three out of every four thoughts you have about your partner will be negative, “He forgot to rinse off his dishes again,” “I can’t believe she never asks what I need when she’s at the store,” “Did he really just ask me that again for the fifth time? He never listens to me,” “Ew! She’s chewing with her mouth open again!”

It’s time to clear away the negative so you can enjoy the positive. Obviously your loved one also has many wonderful qualities and does countless amazing things (and, if this isn’t the case, maybe your best resolution for 2006 would be to find a loved one who you really do think is wonderful and amazing) so it’s time to make a conscious choice to focus on the positive. Here’s how this works:

Start by noticing all the negative thoughts you have about your partner (you can also keep notes on friends, family members and work colleagues too if you’re curious). Keep a journal for one week and each day record all negative thoughts about your loved one, such as: “He is such an idiot. I can’t believe he just said that!”, “She is so selfish!” You will be surprised by how many of your thoughts are negative. Now, imagine the impact of this on your relationship over the course of years!

Next, identify the need that is being expressed in the negative thought about your loved one. Yes, that’s right, negative thoughts about the people in our lives are usually about a need we have. For instance, if you think your partner is insensitive, chances are you need more of his/her attention, nurturing, and understanding. If your thoughts are that they are selfish, chances are you are needing to be the center of attention for a while. Know that your negative thoughts about other people are really more about you. Once you have identified your needs behind the negative thoughts, communicate these needs directly to your loved one.

Now keep a journal for one week that focuses on all the wonderful things about your loved one. Write down all the small efforts they make, the times help you smile when you’re feeling down, the time on Wednesday when they did remember to rinse off their dishes or pick up their socks. Keep this list near to help you continue to focus on the positive in your loved one. Every day tell your partner something positive about how you feel about them. The more attention you give to the good things about your relationship and about your partner, the more you will find yourself noticing the positive.

John Gottman, Ph.D., the nation’s leading relationship expert, has spent over 30 years researching couples. Do you know what Dr. Gottman’s FIRST predictor is that a relationship will become unhappy or end? “When there is more negative than positive” in thought and communication.

Whether or not you are able to stick to your list of New Year’s Resolutions, we encourage you to commit to the simple change of focusing on the positive. And, as we welcome you to 2006, we send you every wish that this will be a year of great relationship success and satisfaction for all of you.

With Best Wishes,
The Talk Works Staff

back to "Tip of the Month" main page